10 Year Old Blues

A father asked his 10-year old son if he knew about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know," the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me." Confused, the father asked what was wrong. The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the 'There's no Easter Bunny' speech. At seven, I got the 'There's no Tooth Fairy' speech. When I was eight, you hit me with the 'There's no Santa' speech. If you're going to tell me that grown-ups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."

Busted!

Your wife decides to go out with her friends drinking and dancing....

You're okay with it, because you get to watch sports and play on the Internet all night...

You hear her stumble into bed around 4 and laugh knowing she's going to have a monster hangover....

You wake up next morning and go outside to the family Volvo, which she used last night....

You sigh in relief because it's all in one piece....

You circle the car looking for dents and find none....

But .... Wait a minute~

volvo
Originally uploaded by velarie2112.

Too Old to Squat

Once upon a time, there was a little old man that really took care of his body. He lifted weights and jogged 6 miles everyday. One morning he looked in the mirror and was admiring his body when he noticed he was suntanned all over except for his penis. He decided to do something about it. He promptly went to the beach, completely undressed, and buried himself in the sand, except for his penis.

A little later two elderly ladies, one walking with a cane, happened by. When she saw this thing sticking out of the sand, she began to move it around with her cane.

She said to her friend, "There ain't no justice in this world."

Her friend asked her what she meant.

Well, she said: "When I was 20, I was curious about it. When I was 30, I enjoyed it. When I was 40, I asked for it. When I was 50, I paid for it. When I was 60, I prayed for it. When I was 70, I forgot about it. And now that I'm 80, the damn things are growing wild and I'm too old to squat!!!

Flys

Flys, originally uploaded by velarie2112.

Christmas Tree Cartoon

Christmas Tree Cartoon, originally uploaded by velarie2112.

Always use good grammer

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise Joyce.

He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.

He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life -- just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

(And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition)

Two Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the
woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and
the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or
a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker
lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you
are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies,
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is,
however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Married Man's Story

I never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men & women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words 'I do.'

Here's an example of what I mean. One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says 'I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me.'

I said 'WHAT????!!! What was that?!'

So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads hearing...'You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man.' She then responded to my puzzled look by saying, 'Can't you just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?'

Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep. The very next day I opted to take the day off from work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, unnamed department store. I walked around with her while she tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewelry dept. where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you...she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck. I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, 'That's fine, honey.'

She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement. Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, 'I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier'.

I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, 'No honey, I don't feel like it.' Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled 'WHAT???!!!' I then said, 'really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile.. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman.' And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me, I added,'Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?'

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either.

Desireable Illness

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped you nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

Anger Management

A young guy was complaining to his boss about the
problems he was having with his stubborn girlfriend.

"She gets me so angry sometimes I could hit her," the
young man exclaimed.

"Well, I'll tell you what I used to do with my wife,"
replied the boss.  "Whenever she got out of hand I'd
take her pants down and spank her."

Shaking his head the young guy replied, "That doesn't
work.  Once I get her pants down I'm not mad anymore."

Makin Love

The Italian says,
"When I've a finished a makina da love withah my wife,  I go down and
gently tickle the back of her knees,  she floats 6 inches above a da bed
in ecstasy."

The Frenchman replies.
Zat is noting, when Ah've finished making ze love with ze wife, Ah
kiss all ze way down her body, and zen Ah lick za soles of her feet  wiz
mah tongue, and she floats 12 inches above ze bed in pure  ecstasy."

The redneck says,
"That aint nothing. When I've finished porkin the ole lady,  I git
out of bed, walk over to the winder  and wipe my weener on the curtains.
She hits the freakin' ceiling."