Catholic Elemtary School Test

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING.

IF YOU KNOW THE BIBLE EVEN A LITTLE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT
COMES FROM A CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS
ABOUT THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THE SPELLING HAS NOT BEEN
RETOUCHED NOR CORRECTED, INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT ALONE.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING
THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE.
NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF THE ARK. NOAH BUILT
THE ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD
TROUBLE WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIMSELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL
LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE ASS OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED
BREAD, WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS.

8. THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT.
AFTERWARDS, MOSES WENT
UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA. THEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL.

12. THE GREATEST MIRACLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO
STAND STILL AND HE ACTUALLY OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE
FOUGHT THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVID'S SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA
CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND
JESUS SACKED IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON JESUS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS
BEFORE THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY
SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRACLE WHEN JESUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO
ACTUALLY GET THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTLES WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN..

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY. HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY,
WHICH IS ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE. THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Do You Think I'll Live to be 90?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well for my age”. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 90?”

He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?”
‘Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 90?”