Airline Attendents

To all airline CEOs,

Replace all female flight attendants with some good-looking'
strippers! What the hell? The attendants have gotten old
and haggard-looking. They don't even serve food anymore,
so what's the loss?

The strippers would double, triple, perhaps quadruple the
alcohol consumption and get a "party atmosphere" going
in the cabin. And, of course, every heterosexual businessman
in this country would start flying again, hoping to see
naked women.

Muslims would be afraid to get on the planes for fear of
seeing naked women. Hijackings would come to a screeching
halt and the airline industry would see record revenues.

Why the hell didn't Bush think of this? Why do I still have
to do everything myself?

Sincerely,
Bill Clinton

UCLA Psychiatric Study

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

If she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she tends to prefer a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies in this area have been canceled.

New McDonald's Menu

LOL

http://www.michaelhodges.com/stuff/funny/mcdonalds_ebonics.swf

Two Trees

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the
woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and
the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or
a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker
lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you
are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech
or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies,
"It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is,
however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."

Dear Tide

Dear Tide:


I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better!

In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out!

In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product. Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people.

25 Signs That You Have Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and
"break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@..
kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes
around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's
leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the
beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely
upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces,
"I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you
congratulate them instead of asking "Oh no,
what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign
that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your
sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends
'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

Got It Figured Out

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day.. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Living Will

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. Nor in the hands of lawyers/doctors who are interested simply in running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Bloody Mary,
Margarita,
Scotch and soda,
Martini,
Vodka and Tonic,
steak,
lobster or crab legs,
the remote control,
bowl of ice cream,
the sports page,
chocolate,
or sex

...it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

At this point, it is time to call a New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.


Signature: ___________________________
Date: _ _____________________________


P.S. I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors.