Side by Side

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.

"I think you're bad luck... get the fuck away from me."

Desireable Illness

A man and a woman were sitting beside each other in the first-class section of a jet liner. The woman sneezed, took out a tissue, gently wiped her nose, then visibly shuddered for ten or fifteen seconds. The man went back to his reading.

A few minutes later, the woman sneezed again, took a tissue, wiped her nose, then shuddered quite violently once more. Assuming the woman might have a cold, the man was still curious about the shuddering. A few more minutes passed when the woman sneezed yet again. As before, she took a tissue, wiped her nose, her body shaking even more than before.

Unable to restrain his curiosity, the man turned to the woman, and said, "I couldn't help but notice that you've sneezed three times, wiped you nose, then shuddered violently. Are you okay?"

"Sorry if I disturbed you," the woman replied. "I have a very rare medical condition; whenever I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, more than a bit embarrassed, was still curious. "I've never heard of that condition before," he said. "Are you taking anything for it?"

"Yes," the woman nodded. "Pepper."

A bear, a lion and a chicken

A bear, a lion and a chicken meet.

Bear says: "If I roar in the forests of North America, the entire
forest is shivering with fear."

Lion says: "And if I roar on the great plains of Africa, the entire
savannah is afraid of me."

Chicken replies: "Big deal. I only have to cough, and the entire
planet shits itself."

Grandma and Grandpa

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV. THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED. GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP. GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH.

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST . . . "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT . . . THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD!"