Say Acorn

ACORN
Originally uploaded by velarie2112.

When God Says It's Time, It's Time

A middle-aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table, she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked, "Is my time up?". God said, "No, you have another 43 years, two months and eight days to live." Upon recovery, the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction and tummy tuck. Since she had so much more time to live, she figured she might as well look good. Following her final cosmetic operation, she was released from the hospital. While crossing the street on her way home, she was struck and killed by an ambulance. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 years? Why didn't you pull me out of the path of that ambulance?" God replied, "Girrrl, I didn't even recognize you!!!"

Misleading

misleading
Originally uploaded by velarie2112.

Modest Sunbathers

sunbathers
Originally uploaded by velarie2112.

G.R.I.T.S - (Girls Raised in the South)

Someone once noted that a Southerner can get away with the most awful kind of insult just as long as it's prefaced with the words, "Bless her heart" or "Bless his heart." As in, "Bless his heart, if they put his brain on the head of a pin, it'd roll around like a BB on a 6-lane highway."

I was thinking about this the other day when a friend was telling about her new transplanted northern friend who was upset because her toddler is just beginning to talk and he has a southern accent.

My friend, who is very kind and, bless her heart, cannot do a thing about those thighs of hers, was justifiably miffed about this. After all, this woman had CHOSEN to move to the South a couple of years ago. Can you believe it?" said her friend, "A child of mine is going to be "taaaallllkkin liiiike thiiiissss."

Now, don't get me wrong. Some of my dearest friends are from the North, bless their hearts. I welcome their perspective, their friendships, and their recipes for authentic Northern Italian food. I've even gotten past their endless complaints that you can't find good bread down here. And the heathens, bless their hearts, don't like cornbread!

We've already lost too much. I was raised to say "swayya," not swear, but you hardly ever hear anyone say that anymore, I swayya you don't. And I've caught myself thinking twice before saying something is "right much," "right close," or "right good" because non-natives think this is right funny indeed.

I have a friend from Bawston, bless her heart, who thinks it's hilarious when I say I've got to "carry" my daughter to the doctor or "cut off" the light.

She also gets a giggle every time I am "fixin'" to do something. And, bless their hearts, they don't even know where "over yonder" is, or what "I reckon" means!

My personal favorite was my aunt, saying, "Bless her heart, she can't help being ugly, but she could've stayed home."

Southern girls know bad manners when they see them:
1. Drinking straight out of a can.
2. Not sending thank you notes.
3. Velvet after February.
4. White shoes before Memorial Day or after Labor Day

Southern girls always say:
1. "Yes, ma'am."
2. "Yes, sir."

Southern girls have a distinct way with fond expressions:
1. "Y'all come back now, ya heaah."
2. "Well, bless your heart."
3. "Drop by when you can."
4. "How's your mama?"
5. "Love your hair."

Southern girls know their three R's:
1. Rich
2. Richer
3. Richest

Southern girls know everybody's first name:
1. Honey
2. Darlin'
3. Shugah

Southern girls know the movies that speak to their hearts:
1. "Gone With the Wind"
2. "Fried Green Tomatoes"
3. "Driving Miss Daisy"
4. "Steel Magnolias"

Southern girls know their cities dripping with Southern charm:
1. Hotlanta or Adlanna (Atlanta as outsiders say)
2. Richmon
3. Challston
4. S'vannah
5. Birminham
6. Nawlins'
7. Oh! and that city in Alabama ? It's pronounced MUNTGUMRY!

Southern girls know the three deadly sins:
1. Bad hair
2. Bad manners
3. Bad blind dates

G.R.I.T.S. = Girls Raised in The South!

Now you run along, Shugah, and send this to someone else Raised In The South, i.e., Southern Belles, or ANY females aspiring to be GRITS. Even the northern ones, "Bless Their Hearts".

That reminds me. I have a rubber stamp that says "Just because your children were born in the South does not make them Southerners. After all, if a cat had kittens in the oven, that wouldn't make them biscuits."

Eulogy

She married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children.

Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together."

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

Cloned

clone
Originally uploaded by velarie2112.

Friggin' Happiness Fairy

happy fairy
Originally uploaded by velarie2112.

Just Do It . . .

nike
Originally uploaded by velarie2112.

Work Harder!

welfare
Originally uploaded by velarie2112.

Damage caused by Hurrican Rita in Houston

2005HurricaneRitaStormDamageinHouston
Originally uploaded by velarie2112.

Wow, Rita turned out to be such a non-event. Although it was nice having Houston all to myself while everyone was out of town, LOL.

The Other Side of the Story

After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve. "So, how is everything going?" inquired God.

"It is all so beautiful, God," she replied. "The sunrises and sunsets are breathtaking, the smells, the sights, everything is wonderful, but I have just one problem. It is these breasts you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out and I am constantly knocking them with my arms,catching them on branches and snagging them on bushes. They are areal pain," reported Eve.And Eve went on to tell God that since many other parts of her body came in pairs, such as her limbs, eyes, ears, etc.......... she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more "symmetrically balanced," as she put it.

"That is a fair point," replied God, "But it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away."And God reached down, removed the middle breast and tossed it into the bushes.Three weeks passed and God once again visited Eve in the Garden of Eden,"Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation?"

"Just fantastic," she replied, "But for one oversight on your part. You see, all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone."

God thought for a moment and said, "You know, Eve, you are right. How couldI have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you. Now let's see......... where did I put the useless boob?"

Now doesn't THAT make more sense than that crap about the rib?

20 Ways for Women to Tell That They've Had A Little Much to Drink

1. I have absolutely no idea where my purse is.

2. I believe that dancing with my arms overhead and wiggling my butt while yelling "WOO-HOO!" is truly the sexiest dance move around.

3. I've suddenly decided I want to kick someone's ass and honestly believe I could do it too.

4. In my last trip to pee, I realize I now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess I was just four hours ago.

5. I drop my 2:00 a.m. Taco Bell bean burrito on the floor (which I'm eating even though I'm not the least bit hungry), pick it up and carry on eating it!

6. I start crying and telling everyone I see that I love them sooooo much.

7. I get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song plays because "Oh my God! I love this song!"

8. I've found a deeper/spiritual side to the geek sitting next to me

9. The man I'm flirting with used to be my 5th grade teacher.

10. The urge to take off articles of clothing, stand on a table and sing or dance becomes strangely overwhelming.

11. My eyes just don't seem to want to stay open on their own so I keep them half closed and think it looks exotically sexy.

12. I've suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.

13. I yell at the bartender, who (I think) cheated me by giving me just lemonade, but that's just because I can no longer taste the gin.

14. I think I'm in bed, but my pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor.

15. I start every conversation with a booming, "DON'T take this the WRONG WAY but..."

16. I fail to notice that the toilet lid's down when I sit on it.

17. My hugs begin to resemble wrestling take-down moves.

18. I'm tired so I just sit on the floor (wherever I happen to be standing) and take a quick nap.

19. I begin leaving the buttons open on my button fly pants to cut down on the time I'm in the bathroom away from my drink.

20. I take my shoes off because I believe it's their fault that I'm having problems walking straight.

Sexual Harassment

Everyday at the office, a male coworker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice. After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore,takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to file a sexual harassment grievance against him.The human resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks,"What's sexually threatening about a coworker telling you your hairsmells nice?

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

Dear Mom & Dad

Dear Mom & Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned becausewe were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam forgoing on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him,but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him.

Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance.

We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about us not wearing life jackets.He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster.He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time.

By the way, what is a pedal file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy somemore beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love, Chris

WAL-MART APPLICATION

This is an actual job application that a 75 year old senior citizen submitted to Walmart in Arkansas. They hired him because he was so funny.........you gotta love it!!!

NAME: George Martin

SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right woman (or at least one that will cooperate)

DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.

DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.

EDUCATION: Yes.

LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management hostility.

PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.

MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.

REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.

HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.

PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p.m. Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.

DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.

MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?

DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"

HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell me.

DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no! On my breaks - yes!

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.

NEAREST RELATIVE....7 miles

DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

Newspaper Ads

THESE ARE ACTUAL NEWSPAPER ADS!

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old. Hateful little dog. Bites

FREE PUPPIES: 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.

FREE PUPPIES... Part German Shepherd, part stupid dog

FREE GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. Neutered. Speaks German.

FOUND DIRTY WHITE DOG. Looks like a rat... been out a while... better be a reward.

COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED.. Also 1 gay bull for sale.

NORDIC TRACK $300 Hardly used... call Chubby

GEORGIA PEACHES, California grown - 89 cents lb.

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $300

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. WORN ONCE BY MISTAKE. Call Stephanie.

(AND THE BEST ONE) FOR SALE BY OWNER: Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000 or best offer. No longer needed, got married last month. Wife knows everything.

Who's the Boss?

A young couple on their wedding night were in their honeymoon suite. As they were undressing for bed, the husband, a big burly man, tossed his trousers to his new bride. He said, "Here, put these on."She put them on and the waist was twice the size of her body."I can't wear your trousers." she said."That's right,'' said the husband, "and don't you ever forget it. I'm the man who wears the pants in this family."With that she flipped him her panties and said, "Try these on."He tried them on and found he could only get them on as far as his kneecaps."Hell," he said. ''I can't get into your panties!"She replied, "That's right...and that's the way it is going to stay until your attitude changes."

Three Sisters

A cowgirl, who is visiting Texas from Arkansas walks into a bar and orders three mugs of Bud. She sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When she finishes them, she comes back to the bar and orders three more.The bartender approaches and tells the cowgirl, "You know, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The cowgirl replies, "Well, I have two sisters. One is in Australia, the other is in Dublin. When we all left our home in Arkansas, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together. So I'm drinking one beer for each of my sisters and one for myself."The bartender admits that this is a nice custom. The cowgirl becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way. She orders three mugs and drinks them in turn.

One day, she comes in and only orders two mugs. All the regulars take notice and fall silent.When she comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss." The cowgirl looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns in her eyes and she laughs.

"Oh, no, everybody's just fine," she explains, "It's just that my husband and I joined the Baptist Church and I had to quit drinking." "Hasn't affected my sisters though."

Thanks for the chain letters

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy. Because of your concern...

I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat prepackaged foods because the estrogens they contain will turn me gay.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forwad an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes.

I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program. I will now return the favor....

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird with diarrhea will fly over your head at 5:00 pm and the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits.

Ghost Sex?

A professor at Texas A & M University was giving a lecture of the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"

About 90 students raise their hands.

"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

About 15 students raise their hand.

"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further... Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

Way in the back, Bubba raises his hand.

The professor takes off his glasses, and says "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.

When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"

Bubba replied, "Shiiiit! From way back thar I thought you said "Goats."

The Indian and the Bull

An Indian walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male>buffalo with the other and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Sure chief, coming right up." He gets the Indian a tall mug of coffee. After drinking the coffee down in one gulp, the Indian turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, then just walks out.

The next morning the Indian returns. He has his shotgun in one hand pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter, "Want coffee."

The waiter says, "Whoa, Buddy! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What the heck was all that about, anyway?"

The Indian smiles and proudly says, "Training for upper management position. Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, leave mess for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day.

Dear Dogs and Cats

Dear Dogs and Cats,

The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing.

The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.

I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep.

For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine or meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years-canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.

The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I cannot stress this enough!

To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets

1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.
(That's why they call it "fur"niture.)

3. I like my pets a lot better than most people.

4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college. And if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.

Mid-Life for Women

I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about how mid-life is a great time for women. Just last week Oprah had a whole show on how great menopause will be.... Puhleeeeeeeze! I've had a few thoughts of my own and would like to share them with you. Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60 (or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.

Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down. This gives us plenty of time to care for our newly acquired mustache.

In mid-life women no longer have upper arms, we have wing spans. We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts, we are flying squirrels in drag.

Mid-life is when you can stand naked in front of a mirror and you can see your rear without turning around.Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram and you realize that this is the only time someone will ask you to appear topless.

Mid-life is when you want to grab every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream, "Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell and those will too."

Mid-life brings wisdom to know that life throws us curves and we're sitting on our biggest ones.

Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all, beeper-wearing teenager and think: "For this I have stretch marks?"In mid-life your memory starts to go. In fact the only thing we can retain is water.

Mid-life means that your Body By Jake now includes Legs By Rand McNally--more red and blue lines than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.

Mid-life means that you become more reflective...You start pondering the "big" questions. What is life? Why am I here? How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat before it's no longer a healthy choice?

But mid-life also brings with it an appreciation for what is important. We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double, but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile. Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now, for the body you had way back when? Maybe our bodies simply have to expand to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired. That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!

It's good to be a woman -

1. We got off the Titanic first.

2. We can scare male bosses with the mysterious gynecological disorder excuses.

3. Taxis stop for us.

4. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.

5. No fashion faux pas we make, could ever rival the Speedo.

6. We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.

7. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.

8. We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear end.

9. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.

10. We have the ability to dress ourselves.

11. We can talk to the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.

12. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we are aware that we will look like an idiot.

13. We will never regret piercing our ears.

14. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.

15. We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence because they aren't listening anyway.

Marriage One-Liners

You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At a cocktail party, one woman said to another, "Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?" "Yes, I am. I married the wrong man."

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: "Husband Wanted" Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.

A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know, son, I'm still paying."

A young son asked, "Is it true, Dad, that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad replied, "That happens in every country, son."

Then there was a woman who said, "I never knew what real happiness was until I got married, and by then, it was too late."

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.

If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.

Just think, if it wasn't for marriage , men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.

First guy says, "My wife's an angel!" Second guy remarks, "You're lucky. Mine's still alive."

A Woman's Prayer Dear Lord, I pray for Wisdom, to understand a man , to love and to forgive him, and for Patience, for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll just beat him to death.

And - drumroll please - The number 1 leading cause of all divorces is . . . getting married in the first place.

Watching TV in bed

My wife and I were watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said,"Do you want to have sex?" "No," she answered. I then said, "Is that your final answer?" "Yes," she replied.Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend." That's the last thing I remember.

6th Grade Science Question

A 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up, angry, and said, "You should notbe asking 6th graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents,and they will go and tell the principal, and you'll get fired!". She then sat down.

Mrs. Parks ignored her, and asked the question again: "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open, and she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases to 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy.", then turned to Mary and continued, "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say:
Firstly, you have a dirty mind.
Secondly, you didn't read your homework.
And thirdly, one day you are going to be VERY, VERY disappointed!"

Subject: Texas Heat

HAVE A NICE DAY, YA'LL.

May 30th: Just moved to Houston. Now this is a city that knows how to live!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. What a place! I watched the sunset from a park lying on a blanket. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

June 14th: Really heating up. Got to 100 today. Not a problem. Live in an air- conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

June 30th:Had the backyard landscaped with western plants today. Lots of cactus and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more lawn-mowing for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here.

July 10th:The temperature hasn't been below 95 all week. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least it's kind of windy though.But getting used to the heat and humidity is taking longerthat I expected.

July 15th: Fell asleep by the pool. (Got 3rd degree burns over 60% of my body). Missed 3 days of work. What a dumb thing to do. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th: I missed Morgan (our cat) sneaking into the car when I left this morning. By the time I got to the hot car for lunch, Morgan had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $2,000 leather upholstery. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells likeKibbles and sh-ts. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:The wind sucks. It feels like a giant freaking blow dryer!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner is not working and the AC repairman charged $200 just to drive by and tell me heneeded to order parts.

July 30th: Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now. $1,500 in damn house payments and we can't even go inside. Why did Iever come here?

Aug. 4th: It's 100 degrees. Finally got the air-conditioner fixed today. It cost $500 and gets the temperature down to 85, but this freaking humidity makes the house feel like it's about 95.Stupid repairman. I hate this stupid city.

Aug. 8th: If another wise ass asks, "Hot enough for you today?" I'm going to strangle him. Damn heat. By the time I get to work the radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like baked cat!!

Aug. 9th:Tried to run some errands after work. Wore shorts, and sat on the black leather seats in the ol' car. I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of mylegs and ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and baked cat.

Aug. 10th: The weather report might as well be a damn recording. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. Hot and sunny. It's been too hot to do sh-t for 2 damn months and the weatherman says it might really warm up next week. Doesn't it ever rain in this damn desert? Water rationing now, so my $1700 worth of cactus just dried up and blew into the damn pool. Even the cactus can't live in this damn heat.

Aug. 14th:Welcome to HELL!!! Temperature got to 105 today. Forgot to crack the window and blew the damn windshield out of the car. The installer came to fix it and said, "Hot enough for you today?" My wife had to spend the $1500 house payment to bail me out of jail.

Freaking Texas. What kind of a sick demented idiot would want to live here?

The "F" Word

When is @#$% Acceptable?

There are only eleven times in history where the "F" word has been considered acceptable for use.

They are as follows:

11. "What the @#$% do you mean,we are sinking?"


-- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912


10. "What the @#$% was that?"


-- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945


9. "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?"


-- Custer, 1877


8. "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that."


-- Einstein, 1938


7. "It does so @#$%ing look like her!"


-- Picasso, 1926


6. "How the @#$% did you work that out?"


-- Pythagoras, 126 BC


5. "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?"


-- Michelangelo, 1566


4. "Where the @#$% are we?"


-- Amelia Earhart, 1937


3. "Scattered @#$%ing showers,my ass!"


-- Noah, 4314 BC


2. "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?"


-- Bill Clinton, 1998


and a drum roll please............!


1. "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad."


-- Saddam Hussein, 2003

The ATM machine

A sign in a UK Bank Lobby reads:"Please note that this Bank is installing new Drive-through tellermachines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving theirvehicles.Customers using these facilities are requested to use the proceduresoutlined below when gaining access their accounts. After months ofcareful research, MALE & FEMALE procedures have been developed.Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender."

MALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to the cash machine.
2. Put down your car window.
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN.
4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw.
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt.
6. Put window up.
7. Drive off.

FEMALE PROCEDURE:
1. Drive up to cash machine.
2. Reverse and back up the required amount to aligncar window with the machine.
3. Set parking brake, put the window down.
4. Find handbag, remove all contents on to passengerseat to locate card.
5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them backand hang up
6. Attempt to insert card into machine.
7. Open car door to allow easier access to machinedue to its excessive distance from the car.
8. Insert card.
9. Re-insert card the right way.
10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PINwritten on the inside back page.
11. Enter PIN.
12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN.
13. Enter amount of cash required.
14. Check makeup in rear view mirror.
15. Retrieve cash and receipt.
16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and placecash inside.
17. Write debit amount in check register and placereceipt in back of checkbook.
18. Re-check makeup.
19. Drive forward 2 feet.
20. Reverse back to cash machine.
21. Retrieve card.
22. Re-empty hand bag, locate card holder, and placecard into the slot provided.
23. Give appropriate one-fingered hand signal toirate male driver waiting behind you.
24. Restart stalled engine and pull off.
25. Redial person on cell phone.
26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles.
27. Release Parking Brake.

Betty Crocker

A husband was at home watching a football game when his wifeinterrupts......

"Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's beenflickering for weeks now?"He looks at her and says angrily

"Fix the light now?...Does itlook like I have GE written on my forehead? I don't think so.

"Fine, the wife asks, "well then, could you fix the fridge door?It won't close right?"To which he replied....

"Fix the fridge door? Does it look like Ihave Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so!"

Fine she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the frontdoor? They are about to break into."

He said....."I am not a carpenter and I don't want to fix thesteps. Does it look like I have Ace Hardware on my forehead? Idon't think so........I've had enough of you!!!!! I am going tothe bar!!"So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple of hours.............He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife and decidesto go home.As he walks into the thouse he notices that the steps are alreadyfixed.....As he enters the house he sees the hall light is workingproperly....As he goes to the fridge to get another beer he notices the fridgedoor is fixed......

"Honey", he asked, "how'd all this get fixed?"

She said, "well, when you left I was sitting outside and wascrying when a very nice young man asked me what was wrong and I told him." "He offered to do all the repairs and all I had to dowas either sleep with him or bake him a cake.

"He said............"so what kind of cake did you bake him?"She replied...

"HELLOOOOOOOOOOO....do you see Betty Crocker writtenon my forehead? I don't think so!!!!!"

Two Minute Management Course

LESSON ONE
An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing. A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing?" The eagle answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Management Lesson - To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.



LESSON TWO
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, "but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree. He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Management Lesson - Bull shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.



LESSON THREE
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold, the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field. While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Management Lesson - (1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. (2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. (3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!

This ends your two minute management course.

Don't ask questions you don't want the answer to . . .

An 86-year-old man walked into a crowded doctor's waiting room. As he approached the desk, the receptionist said, "Yes sir, what are you seeing the doctor for today?""There's something wrong with my dick," he replied.

The receptionist became irritated and said, "You shouldn't come into a crowded doctor's waiting room and say things like that.""Why not? You asked me what was wrong and I told you," he said.The receptionist replied, "You've obviously caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and then discussed the problem further with the doctor in private."

The man replied, "You shouldn't ask people things in a room full of others, if the answer could embarrass anyone."The man walked out, waited several minutes and then re-entered.The receptionist smiled smugly and asked, "Yes?""There's something wrong with my ear," he stated.The receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice. "And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?"

"I can't piss out of it," the man replied.The waiting room erupted in laughter.

The Plan

You gotta love Robin Williams...... Even if he's nuts! Leave it to Robin Williams to come up with the perfect plan. What we need now is for our UN Ambassador to stand up and repeat this message. Robin Williams' plan...(Hard to argue with this logic!) "I see a lot of people yelling for peace but I have not heard of a plan for peace. So, here's one plan."

1) "The US will apologize to the world for our "interference" in their affairs, past & present. You know, Hitler, Mussolini, Stalin, Tojo, Noriega, Milosevic, Hussein, and the rest of those 'good ole boys', we will never "interfere" again.

2) We will withdraw our troops from all over the world, starting with Germany, South Korea, the Middle East, and the Philippines. They don't want us there. We would station troops at our borders. No one allowed sneaking through holes in the fence.

3) All illegal aliens have 90 days to get their affairs together and leave. We'll give them a free trip home. After 90 days the remainder will be gathered up and deported immediately, regardless of whom or where they are. They're illegal!!! France will welcome them.

4) All future visitors will be tho- roughly checked and limited to 90 days unless given a special permit!!!! No one from a terrorist nation will be allowed in. If you don't like it there, change it yourself and don't hide here. Asylum would never be available to anyone. We don't need any more cab drivers or 7-11 cashiers.

5) No foreign "students" over age 21. The older ones are the bombers. If they don't attend classes, they get a "D" and it's back home baby.

6) The US will make a strong effort to become self-sufficient energy wise. This will include developing nonpolluting sources of energy but will require a temporary drilling of oil in the Alaskan wilderness. The caribou will have to cope for a while.

7) Offer Saudi Arabia and other oil producing countries $10 a barrel for their oil. If they don't like it, we go some place else. They can go somewhere else to sell their production. (About a week of the wells filling up the storage sites would be enough.)

8) If there is a famine or other natural catastrophe in the world, we will not "interfere." They can pray to Allah or whomever, for seeds, rain, cement or whatever they need. Besides most of what we give them are stolen or given to the army. The people who need it most get very little, if anything.

9) Ship the UN Headquarters to an isolated island some place. We don't need the spies and fair weather friends here. Besides, the building would make a good homeless shelter or lockup for illegal aliens.

10) All Americans must go to charm and beauty school. That way, no one can call us "Ugly Americans" any longer. The Language we speak is ENGLISH...learn it...or LEAVE...Now, isn't that a winner of a plan?

"The Statue of Liberty is no longer saying 'Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses.' She's got a baseball bat and she's yelling, 'you want a piece of me?' "

Senility

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and gettingup to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of them actually joined in.

One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. "STOP!" he shouted in a firm voice. "Have you got license for that thing?" Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. "OK" he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.

As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, Weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted "STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?" Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said "Carry on, ma'am."

As Ethel neared the final corridor before the front door, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, stark naked, holding his very sizable"you-know-what" in his hand. "Oh, good grief," said Ethel, "Not the breathalyzer again!"

Sunday Bulletin Bloopers

These are actual bloopers from church bulletins...

Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10. All ladies are
invited to lunch in the Fellowship Hall after the B.S. is done.

The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the congregation would
lend him their electric girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday
morning.

The pastor will preach his farewell message, after which the choir will
sing, "Break Forth Into Joy."

Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

The eighth graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
church basement Friday at 7 p.m. The congregation is invited to attend
this tragedy.

Thursday night Potluck Supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow.

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 p.m. at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double door at the side entrance.

Tuesday at 4 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving
milk will please come early.

The Lutheran Men's group will meet at 6 PM. Steak, mashed potatoes,
green beans, bread and dessert will be served for a nominal feel.

Don't let worry kill you, let the church help.

This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay
an egg on the altar.

Thursday at 5:00 pm there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club.
All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his
study.

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church.
So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa will be speaking tonight at
Calvary Memorial Church in Racine. Come tonight and hear Bertha Belch
all the way from Africa.

The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they
may be seen in the church basement Friday.

Announcement in the church bulletin for a National PRAYER & FASTING
Conference: "The cost for attending the Fasting and Prayer conference
includes meals."

Miss Charlene Mason sang "I will not pass this way again" giving
obvious pleasure to the congregation.

Next Sunday is the family hay ride and bonfire at the Fowlers'. Bring
your own hot dogs and guns. Friends are welcome! Everyone come for a fun
time.

During the absence of our Pastor, we enjoyed the rare privilege of
hearing a good sermon when J.F. Stubbs supplied our pulpit.

The church will host an evening of fine dining, superb entertainment,
and gracious hostility.

This evening at 7 P.M. there will be a hymn sing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

"Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping around the house. Don't forget your
husbands."