Christmas is coming

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl on her new shiny bike stopped beside him. Nice bike," the cop said. "Did Santa bring it to you?"

Yep," the little girl said, "he sure did!"

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation.
The cop said, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."

The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you've got there, sir. Did Santa bring it to you?"

Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop

The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.

Cab Driver and the Nun

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices the very handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".

She answers, "My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.

"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."

She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that. Number 1 - you have to be single and Number 2 - you must be Catholic."

The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!

OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley." The nun fulfils his fantasy with a passionate kiss. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"

"Forgive me but I have sinned. I lied and I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."

The nun says, "That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party."

Nasty Little Nursery Rhymes

Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.

MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread. 

JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.

SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"

HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.

HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.

GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play, 
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay. 

There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.

Always use good grammer

Harry is getting along in years and finds that he is unable to perform sexually.

He finally goes to his doctor who tries a few things, but nothing seems to work.

So the doctor refers him to an American Indian medicine man.

The medicine man says, "I can cure this."

That said, he throws a white powder in a flame, and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

Then he says, "This is powerful medicine. You can only use it once a year. All you have to do is say '123,' and it shall rise for as long as you wish!"

The guy then asks, "What happens when it's over, and I don't want to continue?"

The medicine man replies: "All you or your partner has to say is 1234, and it will go down. But be warned - it will not work again for another year."

Harry rushes home, eager to try out his new powers and prowess.

That night he is ready to surprise Joyce.

He showers, shaves, and puts on his most exotic shaving lotion.

He gets into bed, and lying next to her says, "123."

He suddenly becomes more aroused than anytime in his life -- just as the medicine man had promised.

Joyce, who had been facing away, turns over and asks, "What did you say 123 for?"

(And now you know why you shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition)

Sometimes you just need a woman's opinion.

Dear Abby:

I've never written to you before, but I really need your advice on what could be a crucial decision. I've suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs... phone rings but if I answer, the caller hangs up. My wife has been going out with the girls a lot recently although when I ask their names she always says, "Just some friends from work, you don't know them." I always stay awake to look out for her taxi coming home, but she always walks down the drive.

Anyway, I have never approached the subject with my wife. I think deep down I just didn't want to know the truth, but last night she went out again and I decided to really check on her. I decided I was going to park my Harley next to the garage and then hide behind it to get a good view of the whole street when she came home. It was at that moment, crouching behind my Harley, that I noticed that the valve covers on my engine seemed to be leaking a little oil. Is this something I can fix myself or should I take it back to the dealer?

Sincerely,
Justin
Pocket Rocket

How to make a woman happy

It's not difficult to make a woman happy.
A man only needs to be:

1. a friend
2. a companion
3. a lover
4. a brother
5. a father
6. a master
7. a chef
8. an electrician
9. a carpenter
10. a plumber
11. a mechanic
12. a decorator
13. a stylist
14. a sexologist
15. a gynecologist
16. a psychologist
17. a pest exterminator
18. a psychiatrist
19. a healer
20. a good listener
21. an organizer
22. a good father
23. very clean
24. sympathetic
25. athletic
26. warm
27. attentive
28. gallant
29. intelligent
30. funny
31. creative
32. tender
33. strong
34. understanding
35. tolerant
36. prudent
37. ambitious
38. capable
39. courageous
40. determined
41. true
42. dependable
43. passionate
44. compassionate

WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. give her compliments regularly
46. love shopping
47. be honest
48. be very rich
49. not stress her out
50. not look at other girls

AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51. give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes

IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* birthdays
* anniversaries
* arrangements she makes

HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Show up naked
2. Bring food and beer

US Postal Service

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mails
that had illegible addresses. One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky
handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what
it was about.

The letter read:

"Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension.
Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money
I had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of
my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have to buy food with. I have no
family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely,
Edna"

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each
one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made
the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the
woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the
dinner she would be able to share with her friends.


Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady
to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read,

"Dear God,

How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of
love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and
I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think
it must have been those bastards at the Post Office."