Do You Think I'll Live to be 90?

I recently picked a new primary care physician. After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well for my age”. A little concerned about that comment, I couldn’t resist asking him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 90?”

He asked, “Well, do you smoke tobacco or drink beer/wine?”
‘Oh no,” I replied. “I’m not doing either.”

Then he asked, “Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?”
I said, “No, my other Doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”
“No, I don’t,” I said.

He asked, “Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?”
“No,” I said. “I don’t do any of those things.”

He looked at me and said, “Then why do you give a shit if you live to be 90?”

25 Signs That You Have Grown Up

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.

2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.

3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.

6. You watch the Weather Channel.

7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and
"break up."

8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.

9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@..
kids next door won't turn down the stereo.

11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes
around you.

12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.

13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.

14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's
leftovers.

15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.

16. You take naps.

17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the
beginning of one.

18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely
upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid,
not condoms and pregnancy tests.

20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."

21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.

22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces,
"I'm never going to drink that much again."

23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for
real work.

24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.

25. When you find out your friends are pregnant you
congratulate them instead of asking "Oh no,
what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign
that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your
sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends
'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same.

Got It Figured Out

I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way. Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day.. You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School. You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a baby, then, you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.

Living Will

I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means. Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of pinhead politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it. Nor in the hands of lawyers/doctors who are interested simply in running up the bills.

If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to ask for at least one of the following:

Bloody Mary,
Margarita,
Scotch and soda,
Martini,
Vodka and Tonic,
steak,
lobster or crab legs,
the remote control,
bowl of ice cream,
the sports page,
chocolate,
or sex

...it should be presumed that I won't ever get better.

When such a determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call it a day.

At this point, it is time to call a New Orleans Jazz Funeral Band to come do their thing at my funeral, and ask all of my friends to raise their glasses to toast the good times we have had.


Signature: ___________________________
Date: _ _____________________________


P.S. I also hear that in Ireland they have a Nursing Home with a Pub. The patients are happier and they have a lot more visitors.

The Cat in the Hat - On Aging

The Cat in the Hat - On Aging
Originally uploaded by velarie2112.

Click image to enlarge print.

AAADD

Recently, I was diagnosed with AAADD -

Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder.
This is how it manifests:

I decide to water my garden.

As I turn on the hose in the driveway, I look over at my car and decide
my car needs washing.

As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the porch
table that I brought up from the mail box earlier.
I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car.

I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the garbage
can under the table, and notice that the can is full.

So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the
garbage first.

But then I think, since I'm going to be near the mailbox when I take
out the garbage anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.

I take my check book off the table, and see that there is only 1 check left.

My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go inside the house
to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.

I'm going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke
aside so that I don't accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke
is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to
keep it cold.

As I head toward the kitchen with the Coke, a vase of flowers on the
counter catches my eye--they need to be watered.

I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses
that I've been searching for all morning.

I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I'm going to
water the flowers.

I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with
water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the
kitchen table.

I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, I will be looking for
the remote, but I won't remember that it's on the kitchen table, so I
decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I'll
water the flowers.

I pour some water in the flowers, but quite a bit of it spills on the
floor.  So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels
and wipe up the spill.

Then, I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to
do.

At the end of the day:
1) The car isn't washed
2) The bills aren't paid
3) There is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter
4) The flowers don't have enough water
5) There is still only 1 check in my check book
6) I can't find the remote
7) I can't find my glasses
8) And I don't remember what I did with the car keys

Then, when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I'm really
baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I'm really tired.

I realize this is a serious problem, and I'll try to get some help
for it, but first I'll check my E-mail. Do me a favor, will you?
Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don't remember
to whom it has been sent.

Don't laugh -- if this isn't you yet, your day is coming!!

GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
LAUGHING AT YOURSELF IS THERAPEUTIC.

Grandma and Grandpa

GRANDMA AND GRANDPA WERE WATCHING A RELIGIOUS HEALING PROGRAM ON TV. THE EVANGELIST CALLED TO ALL WHO WANTED TO BE HEALED TO PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON THE BODY PART THEY WANTED HEALED. GRANDMA HOBBLED TO THE TV AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HER ARTHRITIC HIP. GRANDPA MADE HIS WAY TO THE SET AND PUT ONE HAND ON THE TV AND THE OTHER ON HIS CROTCH.

GRANDMA LOOKED AT HIM WITH DISGUST . . . "YOU JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND, YOU OLD COOT . . . THE PURPOSE OF THIS PROGRAM IS TO HEAL THE SICK, NOT RAISE THE DEAD!"