Disorder in American Courts

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts...actual snippets of transcripts from trials.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
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ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

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ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the
impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reebok shoes.

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ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your
memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of
something you forgot?

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ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with
you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember
which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

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ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said
to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.

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ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been
involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
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ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person
dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the
next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
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ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how
old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.

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ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was
taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

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ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was
August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....

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ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

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ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

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ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

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ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning
pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you
performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead
people.

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ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What
school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.

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ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the
body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why
I was doing an autopsy on him!

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ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a fecal sample?
WITNESS: Huh?

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ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy,
did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was
alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a
jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been
alive and practicing law.